So I believe it’s finally time to let you go. I tried, I did my best, and as expected, it wasn’t enough. I was sad and angry (I still am a little bit) but what else can I do besides accept the fact that you are indeed happy without me in your life. It’s very obvious that you’re still angry with me, and even though I wish you weren’t, I know you have every right to be. I had just hoped we could’ve been friends again ya know (because that period of time when you really were my best friend is what I truly miss)? But it’s time to stop hoping and wishing and fantasizing for the friendship we once had because even if you had forgiven me, we’re both so different than we were our sophomore or even junior year…I’ve felt really awful these past months, letting the fact that I cheated on you eat away at me, but it’s time to take some steps to be better. Number one: I have to forgive myself. Yes, I cheated on you and hurt you and threw away all we had in a moment, but at this point there’s nothing I can do to change that. And even if I could, we both know I wouldn’t. What I got out of it was something so beautiful and precious and that was Chris. I know that sounds selfish, but considering the act is already done, we both know that I always have been so. Number two: I have to cherish the good times we did have, instead of wish for future ones. Even though we didn’t always make each other happy, there were times when you proved everyone wrong. To me, you will never be a bad kid, a douche bag, or stupid, because I’ve seen you at much, much better than that. You gave me some place to go when I felt like everyone was against me or pressuring me or just flat out annoying me. I am thankful for those times when I had no one but you, but I can’t continue to remember them….which leads me to number three: I need to respect the fact that your preference is to not talk to me (or have anything to do with me) which in turn will mean slowly forgetting you. It’ll be hard pretending you don’t exist, but I’ve learned that when you said you didn’t want anything to do with me, you meant it. You don’t want me to try to make it up to you, you just want me to make it easier for you to forget me by not being around. It’d probably be better if we both just forgot.

So the guilt trip shall end. I’ll be giving/throwing away the stuff I kept that reminded me of you within the next couple days. Honestly, I know I kept it so when we became friends again I could prove to you that I never stopped caring or feeling sorry. There are so many things I wanted to tell you that I never got the chance to, but that’s probably a good thing. Giving you a long speech about how I’m sorry and wish for your happiness would be wasting your time, and mine. You don’t care how sorry I am, what’s done is done. At least my last memories of you are good ones, so if I ever do allow myself to look back, it can be of you in happiness. The last thing you said to me was, “Hey. Those jokes are funny.” You had a half smile and I knew you were being sincere. And the last thing I said to you was thank you. Maybe then at the time it was meant for just a single small thing, but hopefully to you it accounts for everything. And the last time I saw you, (probably the last time I will ever see you) was at grad. You were with your family, and you were smiling and happy and accomplished. I’m glad that’s the last memory I will ever have of you, and I’m glad I didn’t ruin it. I hope the rest of your life is like that, smiling, happy, and accomplished. This letter you will never read, but I hope deep down you know that I’m routing for you in everything you do. Good bye Edwin.

Sincerely,

Misi